Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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