i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
