Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
