I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
