Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
