she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
