I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
