hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
