We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
