insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
