The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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