I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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