What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need a beard to bite.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I deserve this hangover.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
