we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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