I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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