so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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