So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
