I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
These tits shall not be calmed
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
