every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
