I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
