I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
