Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
This is not my ceiling
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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