How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
