im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
