Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
