Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
