My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
