My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
