i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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