she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
