I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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