It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
