i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
