I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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