Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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