Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Damn victory sex feels great
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
