Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
