I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
BRING THE BAGELS
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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