New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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