This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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