it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
