I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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