Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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