shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He felt like a one man threesome
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
