dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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