He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
