It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
