I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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