my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
