Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
